What's it all about, Alfie?

I'm not sure I want to call it My Most Painful Year anymore. I think it certainly still is, and there's no signs of it getting anything but more painful in the months to come, but I think I'm giving it the wrong emphasis. Yes, it's painful, and Liza seems to be doing her best to make it as painful as it can possibly be, but that's her choice, and while it may be her focus this year, I'm starting to think that it shouldn't be mine. Maybe I shouldn't have a focus?

Liza is going to get what the law says I have to give her. The lawyers will hash it out, and I'll force her to spend as much of her part of my money as possible to make her realize that she needs to take less and less in order for her to keep more of it in the end. After all, lawyers will love to burn up my money on both sides of the table.

But as much as I want to make her aware of the pain she's causing me, I think she knows. Her Dad is embarrassed by her actions. He says it's a "nightmare" that he just wants to wake up from. I know she values his opinion, so it's got to be tough to see her Dad taking my side in this. But it's not enough to make her care about me - and that, my friends, she never did.

So I have to try and just stay in the moment. Not focus on anything too much. Just like running, I need to put some miles between myself and this event. Get as much distance as quickly as possible before I turn back to try and get a little perspective on it. I'm too close right now, and that only makes looking at it painful and hard. But that's honestly to be expected. So I have to stop doing that as much as possible, and just focus on the running.

Once I get sufficient distance, I'll be able to look back, and not feel it so intensely. But I know that's going to take a lot of time.

I'm trying to feel like writing, but it's just not yet in me. There's a lot of sadness, and I can't really move on because things have to move at what seems like a glacial pace due to all the people and things involved. I need to force myself to write about things, but I still can't seem to force myself to do it.

I wish I could… any maybe I just need to make the effort - no matter how difficult it is. I don't know… that sounds like I'm just setting myself up for more pressure and pain. Maybe it's something to shoot for every week. That might be a good start.

I wish I could write about all this, but it's still just too painful. I'm talking to friends - trying to stay in the here and now, but it's hard to even watch TV. After 27 years, almost everything reminds me of Liza - commercials, vacations, work, cars, home, and then there are the times I reach out to her only to be snubbed. It's not a good time for me.

I want to believe that God has a plan for me, but I have no idea what that plan is - other than to just wait for the time being. So I wait. And I hurt.

This evening Liza wanted to talk. She told me what was up with the kids, which was nice, because they aren't texting or calling me back, so it's nice to hear about what's up with them. Then she asked me how I was doing, and there wasn't a lot I needed to say other than it's been horrible. But I could tell there was something she needed to say, and she was just working up to it.

After I explained that I wanted to work together towards a future where we were both happy, she explained to me that she wanted a divorce. That the year that we weren't supposed to 'do anything' during was really too long. She wants to sell the house and get on with her life. She believes that I'll be "snapped up" by one of the ladies at church - after all, I have good teeth and a well-paying job.

I was upset that she so easily passed off my pain as something that was easily "fixed" by "someone else"… and that she told the same thing to the kids when they said to her that I'd be alone for the rest of my life.

I asked if she was sure, and she was. She is.

I don't think I've felt quite that hopeless in my entire life.

At our rehearsal dinner, I made a toast to her:

Everyone that knows me knows I'm as serious as death.
But Liza has given me something I didn't know one person could give another.
She has given me hope.

Tonight, at least for a while, she's stripped it away.

I don't think it's gone forever. I sure hope it's not. But this is a horrible feeling.

But I'm glad I know. I'm glad there's no more questions about what might be. What might happen. It's clear now that she has no interest in being married to me. So I can close this chapter in my life and move on.

As difficult as those two things might be, I have to do them.

I've turned a corner. Like it or not.

I'm still alive… I'm still coming to work… but the things happening with Liza and the kids have just gotten me into a state where I don't care about pretty much anything. If it weren't for this job, I might just get in a car and drive somewhere… No real idea where, probably not any better for me because I have to face my future and not run away from it, but given that my future is being (not) decided by Liza, and she's making no indications that she's interested in talking to me - let alone seeing me, or even living with me again, I'm really at a loss of where to go and what to do.

The kids aren't even texting back, and when their Mom is being like Liza, I can't really say that I blame them. She's not taking me seriously, so why should they? They are teenagers, after all, and that is almost the definition of self-absorption. So they aren't communicating, Liza isn't communicating… it's like they are dead - but I know they aren't, and their ignoring me is purposeful.

Sticks and stones can sure break bones when aimed with angry art.
Words can sting like anything, but silence breaks the heart.

Yup. Wonderful times I'm living in these days. Just wonderful.

Well… I haven't been writing a lot lately, and frankly, that's because I'm entering month two of my most painful year to date. I'm not silly enough to think that this will be my most painful year ever, but insofar as 'ever' is 'to date', then it's ever. I just haven't had the emotional energy to write. I can't bring myself to write about anything. Work is OK… life is horrible… but in that, it's normal.

I'm going to try to get back into the swing of writing, but I know that it's a little optimistic to think that I'll get back into the swing right away. I'm just hoping to write a little more than I have been.

Hopefully, it'll cheer me up.

Well, it looks like the major version just jumped with Google Chrome dev to 27.0.1423.0, and it looks more like a semantic change than a real significant update based on the release notes. Still… it's nice to see that they are still on their schedule of moving things along as they promote from dev to beta to release.

This morning I noticed that Google Chrome dev 26.0.1410.12 is out with what appears to be a good set of updates from the release notes but the minor version update indicates that they see this as minor bug fixes. Interesting take on how they see these changes. In any case, the new maintainer seems to be generating good release notes, and I'm all for that. Maybe the quick succession of bug releases is signaling a shift to 27.*… we'll have to wait and see.

This morning I noticed that Google Chrome dev 26.0.1410.10 was released with another very respectable set of release notes. Sounds like a lot of little fixes, but necessary and advancing the cause of a better browser. I have to say I haven't seen a regression in the rendering or speed in a very long time.

Nice work, Googlers.

It's been a while since I wrote anything, and there's a good reason for it: on Feb 2, 2013, Liza, my wife of 27 years, told me she wanted a separation. We don't have a ton of spare cash, so I was going to move into the office and sleep on the couch there. I'd stay out of her hair, and make myself as scarce as possible, and give her space. She said that she's been unhappy for the last ten years, and that she didn't want to go into it, but she felt it was time for her to be happy.

As her friend, I certainly understand.

As her husband, I could not possibly be more hurt.

It took me totally by surprise. I had no idea she was this unhappy. I knew she wasn't happy, but I thought that it was because the kids were getting older and she wanted to have something to do during the day - to feel useful, and needed. So she tried starting a business, which I totally supported. It didn't work out. Then she wanted to get a job - nothing fancy, but a job, and I totally supported that. Then she wanted to go back to school and start a second career, and I totally supported that. I was trying to help, but I guess I was the problem.

After two days of the in-house separation, she came into the office and said "This isn't working. You're in for the night, but you have to get out tomorrow." I tried to ask her not to make me leave, that I'd be out of her hair, but it didn't matter. She wanted me out.

People I have told this to ask me "Why did you leave? Just say 'No', and make things work." But they weren't there, and I could tell she was serious. If I wanted to have any chance of a reconciliation with her, I had to do this and hope for the best.

So the next day I asked again, and she was adamant - Go. So I packed up a few things and I went to a hotel in the area for a few days. During that time, I tried to talk to her about letting me come back, but every time I did, she was firm in her beliefs that I had serious issues that needed professional help, and she wasn't even interested in attempting couples counseling at this time.

I stopped eating. I couldn't sleep. I started having chest pains due to my heart pounding out of my chest. It was horrible.

She kept pushing - saying that I had to get a car to drive myself to the train station. I wanted to just take things slowly, but she'd have none of it. She wanted me to take an apartment for a year, and said that at the end of that year, "We'll decide".

So I'm living in a little apartment. Driving a 2002 Volvo wagon with 173,000 miles on it, and still not eating right. Still not sleeping right. And far too often, still having those chest pains. Like this morning.

Several times when we talked during this time, she's said "I know I'm the bad guy here", but it didn't stop her. Mercy, it seems, I did not deserve. I don't smoke, drink, gamble, neglect the family, hang out with the guys. I don't lie, cheat or steal. I haven't blown all our money on stupid things like a car or a boat or something.

She said on that Saturday that when she married me, I showed a lot of promise. And while she saw my faults, she thought they'd soften with time. But I haven't lived up to my potential, it seems, and my faults have not softened.

I can sit here and defend myself, but she says that just excuses. Me deflecting the real issues. That when I talk to other guys and they have similar stories as mine about work and hours, and home life, she calls that making excuses. I can't defend myself without ensuring that we'll never patch things up, so I take the hits and hope that someday soon her hatred for what I've done, or her anger at the events that started this, or maybe just time, will get her to a point where I can ask her what I've really done, and how I can fix things.

I've been talking to my Mom, and my teammates at work, and even a few friends that I've had for a while. Of them all, my Mom understands my position best as this happened to her with my Dad when I was 5. Yet she had the kids. I'm totally pushed out. I try to connect with them, but they're no happier with me than their Mom is, and to a point, I can understand it. They see her unhappy now, and they know what she did, so I'm the bad guy. I'm the reason things are all bad.

But it's not true.

I'm not perfect, but I'm not all that bad.

I've made plenty of mistakes, but that doesn't mean it's time to kick me to the curb and throw away a 27 year marriage. Not without at least letting me know what's made you so unhappy for 10 years, and give me a chance to fix it.

So I haven't been writing.

I find it hard to stomach the turmoil I'm in. I just want to work and get my mind off things. Then I want to try and stay busy to keep my mind off things. I'm doing a lot of praying, as I think God will see me through this, but I know from the events of the last two weeks that it's not going to be over quickly, nor is it going to be easy, and the pain has really only just begun to sink in.

I just pray for God to soften Liza's heart. Give me a chance to show her I can be a better husband to her, and we can fix things up. I don't need things to go back to the way they were - I want Liza happy. I want to be happy, too, and I want us to be together.

I have no idea if all that's in the cards. I just keep praying.