Sometimes, I don’t even know where to begin…
It's been a while since I wrote anything, and there's a good reason for it: on Feb 2, 2013, Liza, my wife of 27 years, told me she wanted a separation. We don't have a ton of spare cash, so I was going to move into the office and sleep on the couch there. I'd stay out of her hair, and make myself as scarce as possible, and give her space. She said that she's been unhappy for the last ten years, and that she didn't want to go into it, but she felt it was time for her to be happy.
As her friend, I certainly understand.
As her husband, I could not possibly be more hurt.
It took me totally by surprise. I had no idea she was this unhappy. I knew she wasn't happy, but I thought that it was because the kids were getting older and she wanted to have something to do during the day - to feel useful, and needed. So she tried starting a business, which I totally supported. It didn't work out. Then she wanted to get a job - nothing fancy, but a job, and I totally supported that. Then she wanted to go back to school and start a second career, and I totally supported that. I was trying to help, but I guess I was the problem.
After two days of the in-house separation, she came into the office and said "This isn't working. You're in for the night, but you have to get out tomorrow." I tried to ask her not to make me leave, that I'd be out of her hair, but it didn't matter. She wanted me out.
People I have told this to ask me "Why did you leave? Just say 'No', and make things work." But they weren't there, and I could tell she was serious. If I wanted to have any chance of a reconciliation with her, I had to do this and hope for the best.
So the next day I asked again, and she was adamant - Go. So I packed up a few things and I went to a hotel in the area for a few days. During that time, I tried to talk to her about letting me come back, but every time I did, she was firm in her beliefs that I had serious issues that needed professional help, and she wasn't even interested in attempting couples counseling at this time.
I stopped eating. I couldn't sleep. I started having chest pains due to my heart pounding out of my chest. It was horrible.
She kept pushing - saying that I had to get a car to drive myself to the train station. I wanted to just take things slowly, but she'd have none of it. She wanted me to take an apartment for a year, and said that at the end of that year, "We'll decide".
So I'm living in a little apartment. Driving a 2002 Volvo wagon with 173,000 miles on it, and still not eating right. Still not sleeping right. And far too often, still having those chest pains. Like this morning.
Several times when we talked during this time, she's said "I know I'm the bad guy here", but it didn't stop her. Mercy, it seems, I did not deserve. I don't smoke, drink, gamble, neglect the family, hang out with the guys. I don't lie, cheat or steal. I haven't blown all our money on stupid things like a car or a boat or something.
She said on that Saturday that when she married me, I showed a lot of promise. And while she saw my faults, she thought they'd soften with time. But I haven't lived up to my potential, it seems, and my faults have not softened.
I can sit here and defend myself, but she says that just excuses. Me deflecting the real issues. That when I talk to other guys and they have similar stories as mine about work and hours, and home life, she calls that making excuses. I can't defend myself without ensuring that we'll never patch things up, so I take the hits and hope that someday soon her hatred for what I've done, or her anger at the events that started this, or maybe just time, will get her to a point where I can ask her what I've really done, and how I can fix things.
I've been talking to my Mom, and my teammates at work, and even a few friends that I've had for a while. Of them all, my Mom understands my position best as this happened to her with my Dad when I was 5. Yet she had the kids. I'm totally pushed out. I try to connect with them, but they're no happier with me than their Mom is, and to a point, I can understand it. They see her unhappy now, and they know what she did, so I'm the bad guy. I'm the reason things are all bad.
But it's not true.
I'm not perfect, but I'm not all that bad.
I've made plenty of mistakes, but that doesn't mean it's time to kick me to the curb and throw away a 27 year marriage. Not without at least letting me know what's made you so unhappy for 10 years, and give me a chance to fix it.
So I haven't been writing.
I find it hard to stomach the turmoil I'm in. I just want to work and get my mind off things. Then I want to try and stay busy to keep my mind off things. I'm doing a lot of praying, as I think God will see me through this, but I know from the events of the last two weeks that it's not going to be over quickly, nor is it going to be easy, and the pain has really only just begun to sink in.
I just pray for God to soften Liza's heart. Give me a chance to show her I can be a better husband to her, and we can fix things up. I don't need things to go back to the way they were - I want Liza happy. I want to be happy, too, and I want us to be together.
I have no idea if all that's in the cards. I just keep praying.