What's it all about, Alfie?

I've been having a hard time of it lately - Liza's filed for divorce, I know there's not a thing I can do about it, and the pain is only just beginning. At work, the dynamics in my group are changing quite a bit due (understandably) to a massive influx of new people - including the new manager of the group, and the new tech lead. The group needed the people - no doubt. We've lost a lot of people in the last six months, and things were starting to really get hectic, so it's nice to have the new hands, but there's just no way to double the size of the group and have it not change the dynamics of the group. And adding them all with a span of two weeks is a real shock.

So things are pretty jumbled at work, and I'm trying to come to terms with this newly evolving dynamic, and see how I fit in - even if I fit in, as there's no reason that this group still needs me as we now certainly have enough hands to get the work done in a timely manner. I'm not saying that I want to do something different now, but that if the new dynamic of the group is something that I don't fit into well, then maybe it's time to look for another group in the company where maybe I fit in better.

And all that got me thinking of things I might want to do.

I don't really have a lot of things that I want to do with the rest of my life - I think I've lead a pretty amazing life, and been able to do all the things I wanted to do. I taught at a University, and enjoyed it. I started a company and helped build it to $1 mil/year. I've been in finance and built some amazing performance code. I've seen most of the places I want to see (who sees everything?), and there just aren't a lot of things - big things, that I want to do.

But that doesn't mean I'm all done. Not by a long shot.

I want to get back into Mac development - and not just developing on a Mac - but developing for a Mac. I really like ObjC as a language, and the tools like Xcode are just amazing to me. Sure, I wish we had the old Project Builder multi-window format back, but what can I say? Old Schoool. But it's amazing, and what I've read about in Xcode 5 is also really neat. I've used the unit testing in Xcode 4, and it's pretty nice. To be able to set this all up on a Mac mini is pretty sweet.

So maybe I need a list. A list of the things I want to do.

Like maybe live in a different country and work there. Once the divorce is final, I'll be free to move to another country, and Liza can cry me a river if she doesn't like that I took a smaller paycheck for a better job. It's something I may want to do.

Maybe I should look at just moving to a different state? A good friend is ready to move to California as he and his wife are sick of the Chicago weather. Lots of questions there, but working for Apple might be really interesting. Who knows?

Maybe I could head back to making chips - or teaching at a University again? Maybe just start a Mac development shop and do it all myself? These are the things I'm thinking about, and as I'm thinking about them, I'm a lot more excited about them, than I am at the idea of more arguments in the group I'm in.

I have enough turmoil in my life right now. I don't need more. Really. No more. But I can't sit by and be passive when I feel strongly that the decisions that are being discussed (and made) are heading in the wrong direction for this project. The concept of a good group works because people all care about the outcome, and they all bring their ideas together and try to make the best decision possible.

I am fine with the discussions. I just can't stand the arguments. And right now, it's far more of the latter than I'm comfortable with.

I'm not sure I want to call it My Most Painful Year anymore. I think it certainly still is, and there's no signs of it getting anything but more painful in the months to come, but I think I'm giving it the wrong emphasis. Yes, it's painful, and Liza seems to be doing her best to make it as painful as it can possibly be, but that's her choice, and while it may be her focus this year, I'm starting to think that it shouldn't be mine. Maybe I shouldn't have a focus?

Liza is going to get what the law says I have to give her. The lawyers will hash it out, and I'll force her to spend as much of her part of my money as possible to make her realize that she needs to take less and less in order for her to keep more of it in the end. After all, lawyers will love to burn up my money on both sides of the table.

But as much as I want to make her aware of the pain she's causing me, I think she knows. Her Dad is embarrassed by her actions. He says it's a "nightmare" that he just wants to wake up from. I know she values his opinion, so it's got to be tough to see her Dad taking my side in this. But it's not enough to make her care about me - and that, my friends, she never did.

So I have to try and just stay in the moment. Not focus on anything too much. Just like running, I need to put some miles between myself and this event. Get as much distance as quickly as possible before I turn back to try and get a little perspective on it. I'm too close right now, and that only makes looking at it painful and hard. But that's honestly to be expected. So I have to stop doing that as much as possible, and just focus on the running.

Once I get sufficient distance, I'll be able to look back, and not feel it so intensely. But I know that's going to take a lot of time.