What's it all about, Alfie?

OK, I'm amused at myself.

I was all excited about what today was bringing, and I've done a lot of nice work today, but then it ran out, and I got tired of listening to the music I have on my MP3 player (which is about 95% of my CD collection), and then I realized that this is really a place with very little direction, soul, or other really nice redeeming quality. Now, I know of a few folks trying to change that, but for now, it's essential that I have something else to interest me as this place isn't going to provide enough food for the soul until things really start to change.

Hopefully that won't take too long, but things like that often take more time than anyone thinks. I just gotta hang tough.

I've never been one to think that I had a really great grasp on life - Oh, sure, I've felt that I had a reasonably good grasp of parts of life from time to time, but then days like today happen and I'm left wondering if I ever really had even the slightest clue of what was going on.

One of the greatest guys I've ever worked with was right-sized in the bloodbath that was Red Tuesday, and will be moving to another division tomorrow. He thought it would be today, but it was postponed until tomorrow. It's just amazing the effect people have on all of us - those of us that choose to entangle ourselves with other's lives. I'm really going to miss this guy. Pretty depressing.

At the same time I'm trying to keep busy with his work, another (right-sized) guy's work, and mine. Thankfully, I understand all the work and it's not too bad - certainly when I have to wait for others to get other things done before I can do anything. It's amazing how long some folks take to add a column to a database.

I know that when I get nervous, or upset, what helps is to have something interesting to do - something to occupy my mind. I'm trying to keep that in mind and keep busy. I've got a few things to do, but for the most part it's a waiting game. More a fireman than a developer right now.

There's something that's comforting about having a good personal relationship with the people you work with. It makes work not seem like work, but more like a collection of friends working on a goal like helping a friend move, or painting a house. Not that it'll ever be fun, but it'll be a lot more fun when you're doing it with those you like.

I've written and talked about this fact for years now, and it's as true today as ever. However, there's an interesting wrinkle that I hadn't really considered but is just as impacting.

I'm sure that there's a Dilbert on the PHB, or some manager thinking themselves your best buddy and want to share your life with you. That's obnoxious.
Given the cuts we've had, and the state of the business, it's important to stay employed, but it's exceptionally distasteful to have to pretend to want to share with a guy that just whacked 2/3rds of the group. I don't like this guy, and I don't really feel like talking to him about my
weekend, what I did, where I went, but as soon as I say "I'm not really comfortable discussing this right now." I'll be labeled by this clown as a troublemaker and certainly not a 'Team Player'.

So it's all about games... play this game with management to allow them to think that you're their buddy, that you want to listen to their horrible little stories, and then get out of the room and shake it off. It's really amazing how we try to do our best at compromising between what we really want - nice job versus good home-life... lack of politics versus working for a tyrant. Lots of little things that we have to balance.

This is just particularly distasteful now given the cuts are still bleeding, as it were. After the first of the year we'll at least be done with the 'Good Byes', and what we have left is what we have for the year. I sure hope things pick up and I'm not expected to 'share' too much too often.

Lots of things are changing these days - work, mostly, but there's plenty of things going on at home as well. Hey, it's the season of change and renewal, right?

I got jikes source code for barney by SGI box and sherman by iBook. Both are a little disappointing in the java compilation speed department. It's interesting that sherman is a 600MHz G3 and barney is a 195MHz R10000, but their compile speeds are quite comperable. Just goes to show that MHz isn't the real determining factor in system performance.

Anyway, jikes is a Java bytecode compiler that's a lot faster than javac - like taking a 30 sec. compile to 5 sec. - it's really impressive. Anyway, I've been using it in my development on Linux for a while and it's given me good bytecode so there's no reason not to take advantage of it on my other platforms. Now I've got a lot zippier compiles on my other development machines. Nice.

Work is difficult in that the layoffs are starting to 'happen' - meaning that work is piling up and the management isn't really yet showing any interest in selecting projects for 'mothballing' due to the cuts. What it seems like is what I feared most about the cuts - that it was assumed that everyone that got cut contributed nothing or next to nothing, and so their absence will not be missed. This is, of course, sheer maddness, and as a result, the work environment is getting more and more detached from the management, and less productive.

It's kind of funny, these cuts... it's done two things that I'm guessing the management didn't want to do - make the place less productive as a whole, and cause there to be a significant gap between the workers and management. I know they expected for things to slow down with only half of the people (overall) remaining, but I'm guessing they didn't plan for the toll on those of us that stayed that the increasing workload represents. It's a demoralizing level of work, and clearly cannot realistically be done by any human being. So without some 'relief' in the way of mothball projects, each of us is left to wonder about the relative priorities of all the jobs we've just taken on.

Added to that the fact that the "Dilbert Gap" that's developing in the ranks, and you have a group of people who are far less interested in making the managers look good, feel good, and since there's clearly no money for bonuses and raises, there's even less motivation to work hard. It's a circle that feeds in on itself - more disconnection and work lead to a "who cares" attitude, which leads to more disconnection... It's a very bad scene.

So it's fair to say that depression is a constant companion these days for about everyone I've talked to - both those going and staying. I talked to two guys today in the elevator - one going and the other staying. We talked about how things are going, in general. It was depressing, but also at little bit comical. I mentioned that I thought those that were going had a larger short-term pain than those staying, but the long-term pain for those staying was far greater. It just depends on the job market. I'm betting that if the job market were better - regardless of the profit/loss of this place, there'd be a lot more people leaving because the short-term pain of a mover would be next to nothing.

I've talked to others that are staying and they are actively avoiding management because they don't have any motivation to do the work that they have been saddled with, and rather than have a confrontation, they simply avoid them. What a place!

I know that this is not like having a terminal disease. It's not even like having a real problem like a bad back or even a really bad sinus headache. But it is demoralizing. It eats away at the soul and argueably causes more damage to a person than all but the cancer. There really isn't a way to remain in this situation and not be effected. Maybe, with time, the place will get better, but I'm not overly optimistic on that. I'm trying to stay optimistic, but it's hard.

It's been a heck of a week - and weekend. There hasn't been a lot of time to regroup, but now that I'm back at work with friends (for at least a little bit), it's not so bad. Sure... the problems I'm going to be facing with supporting this entire suite of server products are really quite scarey, and I'm not sure if I should even attempt to understand everything in the process, but for now - focusing on today, things are OK.

I guess that's the thing that I needed to focus on most - not the future, which can appear to be as bright or as dim as I want, but the here and now. I'm typically not a live-for-the-moment kind-fo-guy, and I don't have any real expectations that I'm going to turn into that guy anytime soon, but there's a lot to be said in these times of great stress and change to focus on the smallest piece of time possible. Thinking about right now - not later today, or this evening - but right now means that you don't have a lot to think about really. There's doing nothing or doing something. If the latter, then there's really only a few possibilities and picking from those is a lot easier than all the problems and possibilities that exist out there in the future.

This is very much the head-in-the-sand philosophy, and nothing gets solved when everyone thinks this way. But for me, for now, it's helpful. I tend to think too much and too far out anyway, so in a way this is just a kind of thinking vacation that allows me to rest from the stress and grief that I typically have, and make as small a decision as possible.

I'm going to try and keep this close at hand for a few days. I certainly need it.

The aftershocks of the massive layoffs are still being felt. Certainly by me. Today I took over another project from a really nice guy that is moving to another division of the Bank. He didn't want to go and I didn't want to see him go, but that's what management wanted to happen, and that's all they really care about.

Now I'm doing my regular job as well as this guy's - plus the new web page development because they aren't fast enough, and then next week I'll be taking over another guy's project. Of course, my manager says that people know that the service level is going to be lower, but I had to remind him today that his requests of me needed to be put on the list due to all the work I have now. That doesn't bode well for him explaining this to any of the users.

I have to take tomorrow off for a lot of reasons. Liza wanted to get some Christmas shopping done and my Mom is going to come up and sit with the kids while we get that done - but most importantly, I could not be there tomorrow for the entire day knowing that it's Pete's last day here. I'm just not that strong these days.

So today was the last day for me, and it's just enough different that I didn't loose it too much, but I still had enough times today where I had to stop thinking about the state of affairs and dry my eyes. It's just that sad to me.

Next week will be even harder as my friend Matt will be moving on. That's going to be really really tough. But I'll have to find a way to get through it. And because life goes on, I guess I will, but it's not like I'm looking forward to it - that's for sure.

It looks like what I have to look forward to these next months is a lot more work, a lot less understanding, a lot less time to get things done, and the expectation from management that I should be cheerful because I'm still One of The Team. Yeah RIGHT!

I'm going to have to do a lot of expectation management myself. I'm going to have to let the management know that I'm not a machine. That I'm not going to work like they think I should, but like a real human being works. If that's not fast enough, then maybe they shouldn't have let so many folks go. But I'm sure that's not even possibly concerned them. They saw a number they needed to hit, and hit it. The consequences of that mark never even occurred to them.

I'm not enjoying this any more.

Many years ago, The Day After was a TV-movie about the aftermath of a nuclear exchange between the US and USSR. It was a wild movie about living with the effects of the radiation, etc. Well, I feel a little like I'm living that movie right now at work.

The 'bodies' are starting to be cleared and the work assumed to be taken up by those of us remaining. The final tally was that more than half of the developers were cut and about a third of the support staff. In all, half the IT force was cut. Incredible. I'm trying to pick up work of two others that are already being requested by other divisions in the Bank, so it's going to be a quick and rough hand-off and hope that things work out. Not a lot of time to make a smooth transition as the two I'm assuming are going to be out by Monday. That gives me a few precious days to get things in order.

Forget that these guys are my friends, and also forget that management is now interested in pushing things forward now that their hard part is done... this is a very high stress time to be here. But I have to admit that it's still nice to have a job and not be on the street.

I'm trying to keep focused on the Big Picture... things are tough, but they've decided to keep me - probably because they can get more out of me than the guys they are getting rid of. Maybe it's a good sign, maybe not. It's just like The Day After... who's the lucky one - the one that survives the blast, or the one that's at ground zero? Hard to tell...

Well... it's almost done. The massive bloodletting started this morning at about 9:00 am - at least that's when I found out what was going to be happening to my group. Of the six of us, only two will remain. There are similar cuts in all groups in IT and Support. It's a blood bath.

I have to admit that I'm relieved that I'm not looking for a new job right before Christmas, but I'm also feeling terribly guilty about the great friends that I've made here that will be looking for new jobs right before Christmas. I guess it's better than it happening to me, but I still don't like what's happened.

I'm guessing that the management just wanted to hurry up and get it out of the way so that they could enjoy their Christmas and not have to worry about laying people off at the first of the year. There's also the finances of letting people go now as opposed to waiting for another month to pass, but I think that's not as significant a reason as the former. Also, this lets those that are staying come to terms with their plight and try to be ready to go at the start of the year.

Yep... it's a Red Tuesday allright...

It's just amazing how nice a little 4-day weekend can be. It's also just as amazing that a job with little to no purpose is a terribly boring thing and hard to stay interested in.

I've had barney back up for a week now, and that's made things a lot more fun - at least knowing he's up and there ready for me has helped the near total boredom of the job lately. This past weekend I did so many fun things with Liza and the kids... it's almost too bad I had to come back to work. I know it's all about making a lifestyle that facilitates the time-off, but still... it's hard.

So I come back to work and thankfully I have a little work to do, but I do it far too fast (like a hungry man's first real meal) that it doesn't last nearly long enough. But I am grateful that I had at least that little bit of really interesting work to do. Since then, I've been waiting on folks to get things done so I can do more work, but waiting is a slow and boring job.

Given the job market out there, I have to be grateful that I have this job at all at this time of year. And I am. But still... I can think of so many interesting things that could be done for no more money than sitting here takes, and it'd be nice to be able to do those things - if only as work that might never really be used.

There was an interesting Dilbert several years ago about the choice of doing great work but having no one recognize or appreciate it versus doing trivial work that's seen as the next best thing since sliced bread. It was funny to see Dilbert struggle with the answer (which he never gave). There's a lot to be said for being appreciated. Then again, there's a lot to be said for keeping your mind busy.

Right now, I'd really like to have an interesting idea to look into. I've been in this state before, and typically it's just worked through until the folks holding me up get around to doing their part, and things pick up for a little bit, at least. But I'd really like to have a passion to work on now. That's the real thing... boredom sucks passion dry, and the more you give into boredom the less likely you are to get passionate about anything.

Good enough. I need to stop being bored and start being more receptive to passion.

I've had a bad morning.

I've had a great morning.

When my manager at work started his tirade about how difficult I was to deal with, and how he had no time for this, I actually looked into myself and for a minute examined if I was as bad as he said.

This is vintage me, by the way... looking to see if some mean spirited remark is really true. Now that isn't to say that I'd examine myself if someone said that I was a mass murderer, but when statements like "you're too difficult", or "...too intense" are made, I tend to try and step back and see if they are on the mark or off. It's amazing that in this case, given who was saying this, I actually did it and wondered for 30 sec. if I was as bad as he was making out.

When I realized that he was full of crap, and explained how he had put me into a near-impossible position, he backed off a little, but the way in which he said those hurtful things was very, very painful.

I went and talked to a friend about this and he was amazed that I even considered for a second the thoughts I had. He then said something that was a tremendous realization to me... that I had to stay away from people who would poke at my dark-side, as it was too painful.

This'll take some explaining...

If we look at Superman and Batman - the 'new' Batman with anger and angst, we see two entirely different kinds of super-heros. Critics of Superman will say that he's one-dimensional, that without anger and angst, he's far to simplistic a character to carry a storyline. These same people will say that Batman is a character that's real. He's got the anger, and kills people when he wants to. Out of his own sense of justice.

Personally, I don't like a super-hero that's got a dark side. I like Superman. Why? Because I'm very aware of my own dark side, and am often times afraid that it's too close to the surface and will erupt at any moment and I'll end up doing something that I will regret. I know that I have a lot of things in my past that leave with with anger and resentment, and while I know that "good mental health" dictates that I let go of them, they keep many things - like my arrogance, in check. If I loose the understanding that I'm really not all that nice a guy, I'm sure I'd be free to become a completely nasty person.

So I don't need to study the dark side of a person - I live it. That's why when I think about things I want to read and see, it's the White Knight that I want to think about.

When events like today's cause me to examine my dark side even closer than I normally do, it's far more uncomfortable than any situation with other people. It's a battle with myself. The critical part saying "see, you're as bad as all that", and the good, honest part, trying to see if any of this is accurate.

Maybe I have to live with this occasional painful experience. I remember a quote of Socrates (I think) "The unexamined life isn't worth living" - or something like that. Maybe this is the cost of examination. We're not perfect and every now and then I surprise myself by acts of involuntary generosity and kindness. I also see this in my kids, and I've heard it said many times that if you want to see the worth of a person, look at their children. Mine are great, by the way.

So maybe I just have to deal with it. I know that the realization of people poking at my dark side is important. I'll never forget it. I don't know what will come of this, but if I'm going to have an 'examined life' then I have to pay attention to the big events.