Amazing Realizations
I've had a bad morning.
I've had a great morning.
When my manager at work started his tirade about how difficult I was to deal with, and how he had no time for this, I actually looked into myself and for a minute examined if I was as bad as he said.
This is vintage me, by the way... looking to see if some mean spirited remark is really true. Now that isn't to say that I'd examine myself if someone said that I was a mass murderer, but when statements like "you're too difficult", or "...too intense" are made, I tend to try and step back and see if they are on the mark or off. It's amazing that in this case, given who was saying this, I actually did it and wondered for 30 sec. if I was as bad as he was making out.
When I realized that he was full of crap, and explained how he had put me into a near-impossible position, he backed off a little, but the way in which he said those hurtful things was very, very painful.
I went and talked to a friend about this and he was amazed that I even considered for a second the thoughts I had. He then said something that was a tremendous realization to me... that I had to stay away from people who would poke at my dark-side, as it was too painful.
This'll take some explaining...
If we look at Superman and Batman - the 'new' Batman with anger and angst, we see two entirely different kinds of super-heros. Critics of Superman will say that he's one-dimensional, that without anger and angst, he's far to simplistic a character to carry a storyline. These same people will say that Batman is a character that's real. He's got the anger, and kills people when he wants to. Out of his own sense of justice.
Personally, I don't like a super-hero that's got a dark side. I like Superman. Why? Because I'm very aware of my own dark side, and am often times afraid that it's too close to the surface and will erupt at any moment and I'll end up doing something that I will regret. I know that I have a lot of things in my past that leave with with anger and resentment, and while I know that "good mental health" dictates that I let go of them, they keep many things - like my arrogance, in check. If I loose the understanding that I'm really not all that nice a guy, I'm sure I'd be free to become a completely nasty person.
So I don't need to study the dark side of a person - I live it. That's why when I think about things I want to read and see, it's the White Knight that I want to think about.
When events like today's cause me to examine my dark side even closer than I normally do, it's far more uncomfortable than any situation with other people. It's a battle with myself. The critical part saying "see, you're as bad as all that", and the good, honest part, trying to see if any of this is accurate.
Maybe I have to live with this occasional painful experience. I remember a quote of Socrates (I think) "The unexamined life isn't worth living" - or something like that. Maybe this is the cost of examination. We're not perfect and every now and then I surprise myself by acts of involuntary generosity and kindness. I also see this in my kids, and I've heard it said many times that if you want to see the worth of a person, look at their children. Mine are great, by the way.
So maybe I just have to deal with it. I know that the realization of people poking at my dark side is important. I'll never forget it. I don't know what will come of this, but if I'm going to have an 'examined life' then I have to pay attention to the big events.