Yule-Time Thoughts
It's been another really fun Christmas for the kids. They have really enjoyed the surprises and I got more shirts and a shop-vac. It's tiring because the kids are up so darn early and are so excited when they go downstairs to the tree... well... that's what being a kid is all about, right?
But it leaves me wondering about the end of this year, my birthday, turning 40, and what's coming in the New Year. I'm not really giving the number 40 much weight, but it does mean that I'm no longer young no matter how young I feel. But that's not bad... youth wasn't my best time anyway. I'm spending more time focusing on my personal situation and the passing of time.
Several years ago, when I was at Port-to-Port, Damon, my partner at the time, and I went to Corporate Counseling to try and iron out some of our differences that were really hurting the company, and it's plans for the future. Damon and I had been best friends for more than 15 years - he was the Best Man at my wedding, and I was the Best Man at his. Yet when we tried to run a business, there were a lot of problems that came up due to our vastly different personal styles and backgrounds.
While in this counseling, I learned all about co-dependency, what damage it does, how to try and avoid it, etc. And ended up learning a lot about myself, my relationship with Damon, and several other relationships I have had. In the end I was much more mentally healthy, but not without a cost.
You see, if I am really 100% mentally healthy, and not suffering from any form of co-dependence, then I really don't care if you've had a bad day. I mean I can be sorry that it happened, but it won't effect me at all. Your bad day is just that - Your bad day. Yet is that really the kind of friend you want to have around? One that isn't really interested in sharing your pain? At least a little?
When I dealt with Liza, I'm sure I seemed very uncompassionate, very aloof, very uncaring, because I simply was cutting all the ties that bind us, and in the end, cutting those from her as well. This is not something you want to see in your spouse, I'd wager, so it wasn't all good news.
So I came to a decision about mental heath - it's a good thing, in moderation. Which sounds like another good mental health axiom - maintain a proper balance. So while I still understand the problems of co-dependency, and how to avoid it, I think it's good if I'm a little co-dependent on my family. Just a little. I want to try and feel my son's pain when he has a bad day... tell him that when I was a kid I wet my pants too when I didn't make it to the bathroom in time. These are good things to share. Because after all, we are here to share in the experience, as we are, as humans, very social creatures.
So I'm purposefully not as mentally healthy as I could be, but I'm a lot happier for it. And I think I'm a much better person for it as well.
Which brings me to my concern about my current state of uncomfort. For many years I have been looking for something outside of me to give me a pick-me-up. In grad school all it took was going to the Bookstore and getting a new pad of paper. I loved the feel of it. The unlimited possibilities that those pages could hold. It would keep me happy for a day or two at the least. When I got out of grad school I was teaching at Auburn and I started to decorate my office in the most incredible way imaginable. I had trees in my office, a Basketball goal, a 30-gallon salt water tank, Lego castles, a nice stereo... in general, more than should have fit into that office, and more than I should have needed to feel comfortable.
But I'd just risen the bar a bit... Now instead of the pack of paper, I wanted to get a new Lego castle, or a new fish, or a new CD, or two, or three. It was nothing more than a distraction from the problem that I had that I could not seem to find happiness and contentment within myself. When I got a new thing I was distracted from the problems I had until the newness wore off and I had to deal with just myself again.
So here I sit... today I want a new computer - two in fact. A new desktop that's a screamer, and a new notebook that's the best money can buy. Yet I know these are distractions. But the desire is just as real. But taking a page from my past, I'm wondering if I really want to solve this particular mental illness.
What I mean to say is this: I am concerned that whatever qualities I have now that keep my ego, my greed, my arrogance in check need to stay there. I'm not silly enough to think that I don't have these. I do. And in large measure. But they are kept in check by something that I'm not really sure of. But I want them to remain in check, because I think I would be an absolutely detestible person if I lost those checks.
One of the things I was asked to do in the Counseling was to write down my list of the 10 people I liked most in the world. When my list was done, Carol (the counselor) asked me why my name wasn't on the list. It's a very interesting question. My concern is now, what kind of person would I be if I was #1 on my list?
Would I sacrifice my personal time for my kids? Their time with me is limited to the first 18 years, and after that, they are one their own with whatever skills and tools I've managed to impart to them. If I put them in front of me, at least for the time they're with me, then they'll have a much better start. It's the real cost of having kids, isn't it? The same goes for many things... so in the end, would I really be a better person if I took more time for myself?
Clearly, the answer lies in the balance. No time for me, no diversions, no toys, and I would become a very unhappy person and that's not good for anyone. Too much, and other things in my life suffer. So it's got to be a balance that's struck. The problem is it's very hard to balance things like diversions and toys... I mean really, who doesn't enjoy having fun? I know I do. So it's hard to say "OK... enough fun..." but that's what has to happen.
In the end, it's the balance that's important, and for that I need to have a lot better understanding of myself than I do right now. I guess the older you get, the more there still is to learn about yourself. Well... at least I've got that going for me - I shouldn't be bored for the rest of my days.