Looking Back at My Most Painful Year
On the weekend, I passed a sad anniversary - one year ago, my wife of 27 years told me to leave. Said she never really loved me - that I was just a better alternative than moving back in with her parents after college. I believed her. Still do. It's been a hard year, a few months in I decided not to describe it as "My Most Painful Year", and instead take a term from Neil Simon, and call it Chapter Two. It didn't help. Still doesn't.
My term was accurate, and it still is. I've tried several times to find that joy that made we want to post about all the interesting things I was doing with technology. All the fun I was having - and even ranting a bit here and there about the crazy things companies do when they think no one's looking. But it's really been hit and miss. I'm lucky to force myself to post something once a month.
Even this post - I should be able to rattle off a year's worth of stories looking back on this year, but I find I have no interest in doing that. What does it matter? It's not going to make me feel any better, I'm not through this, I'm still in the middle of it. That's not the time to look back and try to gather the lessons learned. It's the time to get out of it.
My friends say that time will make this all better. Maybe it will. I'd like to think that some day I'll wake up and not feel this way, but I have my doubts. I don't see why another year is going to make any difference. The last one really hasn't. I don't feel any better. I just feel a year older.
It's been a bad year. That's about the sum total of what I've learned.