Recovery
I had a great phone call from an old friend last night. He's known me since the second grade. That's over 45 years. I don't have another friend that's even close to that long, and he's been a wonderful friend. He was remarking last night that he felt I was making progress, and that he was glad about that - and he should know... more than a decade as a nurse on the psych ward puts him in a position to know about recovery. So it was nice to hear that from him.
This morning I was looking at a pull request from one of the younger - and quite smart - developers in the group. I looked at what he'd done, and it was all just very sloppy. Basing the pull request off a deleted branch used in another pull request, and then not checking dependencies in the libraries, and then just changing things because he wanted to.
Typical kinds of things I've seen from a lot of smart, but not very disciplined, developers. They are used to their intelligence covering for their lack of attention to details and general discipline. Most of the time it works, but that's really just luck more than anything else. They aren't really compensating for it, they're just obscuring it. It's still there - the lack of detail, etc. and it'll come back to haunt the group and the code.
But I really can't say anything to him, because until he wants to change, he's not going to be receptive to any other person telling him he needs to change. We are all like that. I'm on a path now that I would have never voluntarily taken... in fact, I fought not to take it - but it had to be. Sooner or later, I had to realize that my marriage wasn't what I needed, nor was it what Liza needed, and maybe we shouldn't have been married, or maybe things just changed. Whatever the reason, it had to happen.
So it will be for the smart-but-lazy developer.
And at the same time, I've been told by many friends that the environment I've been in for months is not good for me. Again, I have been fighting that this should be a good fit, but that's based on a wish - not a fact. As I've interviewed with other shops, I've realized that I'm not a guy to be "just" a developer. That's going to be too big a mis-match, as I'm going to have decades of experience over my bosses, and that's only going to lead to issues.
Here again, I didn't want to see it - I just didn't want it to be true. But it was. I need to stop pretending that I'm happiest as just a developer. I'm a creative person, and consequently, I want to spend the majority of my time creating, but I can't shut off 30 years of professional programming, and all the mistakes made, and lessons learned. And when I am asked to make one of those mistakes again by a manager that hasn't yet made it, I really have to do it. But I can't. I just can't.
So I really need to be in the kinds of positions that I'm looking at currently - Senior Tech positions... Leads, Architects, decision maker. Something where my experience is a requirement so that it's not overlooked, but leveraged. I was again not thrilled with the idea of this a few months ago when I turned down promotions here at The Shop, but I see that was no different than me not wanting my marriage to end - wishful thinking, but sadly not accurate.
Yet I'm learning. Slowly, yes, but I'm learning. Accept. Forgive. Move on.
So I'm honestly looking forward to some of these opportunities I've interviewed for. There's a small company that needs someone to just help out. Lots of things to do, and because there aren't all that many people, there's lots to do. Then there's another place that's looking for real-time trading experience, and that's always a ton of fun to build - and the people there are smart and experienced so I'm not dealing with the 20-somethings that play cards during lunch and come in at 9:15.
Finally, there's one that might be the most interesting of all - as a tech lead for a line of business working side-by-side with the head of the business to make sure that the systems will scale, be robust, and keep moving in the right direction. This would require me to use everything I've learned and apply it on a daily basis - creatively and experientially.
Yet I know it's a path. I don't know that I'll ever have a day where I don't hurt about the marriage and family that might have been. Or the job or group that might have been. But those are just stories, and not reality. But the pain is very real.